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117: Cardamom Seasoned with Damp Poodle

Yes, there’s been a gap. I would have announced it, but I didn’t know and then every week I thought I might start again. But I didn’t. My apologies.

Here’s a chunk of a thing called Without Hinges, With Consent.

Nobody mentioned that I’d stink of cardamom seasoned with damp poodle.

Whenever you transit to an alien universe, the Portal rearranges your anatomy and biochemistry so you can survive under its different natural laws. A grade D universe like Sieve stretches the definitions of “human” and “survive.” These universes had to be especially valuable for Montague to exploit them. Transit to this universe turned our flesh into something like stone and our hair into this slimy seaweed stuff so I’d depilated before going on duty, but I couldn’t keep myself from running my fingertips across my warm scalp. When a universe lacks a concept you can’t even think of it, but my gut knew I was missing something big. And you never miss your heartbeat until it’s gone.

Even the most bizarre Montague operations need security people. That left me, Aidan Redding, security third and trouble magnet, standing in a narrow gap in the wall surrounding the Extraction Plant. LuPan was back guarding the entrance to the Portal building. I was technically senior.

This story will be in my store in the next day or two. I no longer put short stories on outside retailers.

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Saucer Separation and Amazon Wishlist

Just because things connect doesn’t mean they work.

The small standing desk supports the two monitors and the CPU. Unplug four cables, and I can move it anywhere in the apartment.

But if I actually start writing on the attached keyboard, the whole thing shakes horribly. The little standing desk isn’t robust enough to support all that equipment.

Having the extra desk space is great, though, and I ache for some mobility. The obvious solution is to build a sturdier standing desk. A smaller set of the wire shelves I use for the main desk and a solid desktop would be far more stable. Unfortunately, my life is chaos right now and my Patronizer system hung up for a couple months exactly when I couldn’t pay attention to it. I am not spending money if I can avoid it.

Folks have asked how they can help me, and I always say “buy my books.” Given my situation, I’ve (ugh) reactivated my Amazon wishlist. There’s not a huge amount on it, but if you feel like giving me a hand I sure won’t say no.

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Time Travel Bundle and Interview

If you need some fun reading, I have a book in the Escape From 2026 bundle. Fourteen ebooks, DRM-free, all about time travel, alternate worlds, and generally mucking with history. My book, Tiny Time Wars? It’s exclusive to this bundle. As in, when this bundle goes away, so does this book. It will never be reissued.

I’ve also done an interview about time travel, my take on time travel, and what it’s like to be an orc. Unlike my book, that interview will probably–probably–stay up a while after the bundle ends.

There’s some great authors in this, all hand-selected by Kris Rusch. Writers like DeAnna Knippling, Kathryn Kaleigh, Leslie Claire Walker, Lisa Silverthorne, Annie Reed, Jason A Adams, Kari Kilgore, Ron Collins, Robert Jeschonek, and Dean Wesley Smith.

Plus, part of the proceeds go to supporting World Central Kitchen. We shouldn’t need to live in a world where folks go hungry. The UN knows how to end hunger. Nobody will pay for it. WCK helps deal with the problem until someone with money develops a conscience. (Because seriously? If I was a trillionaire and the UN told me they could fix hunger for six billion dollars, I’d give them twelve and tell them to write me a nice thank-you note. I’d be the most popular person on Earth.)

Anyway. Escape From 2026. Tiny Time Wars will disappear like a ruptured timeline. Act now before it vanishes forever.

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Patronage Headaches

I built1 my own Patronage system on WordPress. It’s still using commercial software, but it’s more independent than my Patreon and I have the source code in case of chicanery.

WordPress paused several Patronizer accounts in April. People haven’t been billed, or notified of their benefits. I don’t know why. I only realized when I went to ship Patronizer copies of the Defenestrated Networking for System Administrators.

The annoying thing is, I can’t just reactivate all these backers. People can pause their own memberships. I’ve mailed everyone with a paused membership who patronizes me via TWP, asking them to let me know if they didn’t pause their membership. A few have already responded, confirming that it’s a WordPress strangeness. Strangely, a couple of folks who subscribe on Patreon also had their memberships paused around the same time. Why? No clue.

If you Patronize me, either in my store or on Patreon, please check that your membership is still active.

I’m adding “check and verify paused memberships” to my monthly checklist. And talk about bad timing!

If you chose to pause your sponsorship, that’s completely fine. I appreciate your past support and hope that me being more productive in the future will lure you back.

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Saucer Separation

I’m moving to an apartment this week. If you’re waiting for a reply from me, I’ll be back in business next week. But moving is a chance to revisit old setups. A while back, ZZ Claybourne saw my desk and declared it to be “some real Geordi La Forge shit.”

That’s pretty nice, but it got me thinking: what does Geordi have that I don’t?

Forget the advanced tech: that’s just window dressing.

Being far cooler than me? That’s inherent. I can’t help being a total dweeb.

What does he have that I can possibly achieve? The Enterprise-D’s command section is detachable. I’m pretty sure that the TNG premiere only did that because Roddenberry wanted it in the original series and he needed to say “See! We have the budget now!” Also the models, but I digress. Half the saucer separation screen time appeared in the premier, but I digress again. Anyway.

My desk clearly needs the ability to separate the primary and secondary hull. I had all the pieces, including a smaller standing desk that I used for recording and accounting.

probably evidence at my inevitable sanity hearing

It’s not wired up yet, and pieces are missing, but it’s a solid proof of concept.

The smaller desk? That’s where I’ll do writing, on the portrait-mode monitors. I’ll do page layout, spreadsheets, and other landscape-mode tasks at the larger desk.

On nice days when I’d really rather work outside, I can detach one USB cable and two video cables, separate the smaller from the larger, and roll the writing desk out onto the apartment balcony.

So there. Detachable primary hull.

Your move, Geordi.

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A personal note

After 34 years together, Liz and I are getting divorced. This is an amicable split, everyone behaved completely honorably, and we remain friends. We are working together to make sure we both have a solid start in the next phase of our lives.

All new projects are delayed. While I appreciate invitations, I will not be attending events until the process is complete.

The next few months will be very stressful for us both. I ask for your patience and understanding.

Thank you.

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On April Fools’ Pranks

You can still get the Defenestrated Edition of Networking for System Administrators for a few days, but this post is about April Fools’ gags in general.

I gave a talk on April Fools’ Day 2026 about filesystems as practical jokes wherein I talk about practical jokes, but for easy reference here are my standards.

A practical joke should be:

  • benign violation of expectations
  • everybody honestly laughs
  • require no extra work from the victim
  • never punch down
  • targeted
  • ingenious

Filling someone’s office with styrofoam peanuts? Nope. Requires extra work. Putting an anti-cop bumper sticker on someone’s car? That’ll ruin lives. The more targeted your gag, the funnier you can be. A good prank has some thought, some cleverness, some attention to detail.

For my own reference and perhaps your minor amusement, here are the Internet-relevant pranks I’ve pulled in the past.

2026: Networking for System Administrators: The Defenestrated Edition. Some folks hate Windows. My book Networking for System Administrators covers Windows. I created a special edition that had all the Windows material blacked out and made it available for ten days as a Kickstarter exclusive.

2025: The movie Laserblast is actively terrible. I wrote a cover version, using many of the story beats but carefully avoiding copyright issues. See the first chapter.

Lance needs to be a hero in the worst way. The worst way waits with open arms.

Lance wants to be a hero in the worst way. The worst way waits with open arms.

2021: I know that people read my tech books for the footnotes, so I released a collectible hardcover collection of them.

Smart books have footnotes. Smarter books are only footnotes.

Only Footnotes

2020: The Networknomicon.

Abdul Alhazred’s infamously rumored Networknomicon, or SNMP Mastery, has long been blamed for the Spanish Inquisition, the Second World War, and Cleveland. While nuclear “testing” was thought to have eradicated all copies of the manuscript, an astute student with a baggy shirt and considerable mob debts recently liberated one tattered survivor from the Miskatonic University Library of Computer Science.

The Networknomicon, or SNMP Mastery

2018: I took sponsorships on a book, but refused to say what the book was. 1 April, I released Ed Mastery. The Standard Text Editor. “ed Mastery.” It has a blurb from Ken Thompson himself.

Let me be perfectly clear: ed(1) is the standard Unix text editor. If you don’t know ed, you’re not a sysadmin. You’re a mere dabbler. A dilettante. Deficient.

Ed Mastery cover

Ed Mastery also comes in the Manly McManface edition, because some men can’t handle feminine pronouns in their tech books. Part of each sale goes to the Soroptimists, because screw you, that’s why.

Any third-person singular pronouns that appear in the standard edition, for normal people, are female. Those who believe that women don’t belong in tech books may purchase this special “Manly McManface” edition, where all third-party singular pronouns are masculine.

To compensate for this edition’s much smaller market, though, the Manly edition is unfortunately pricier than the standard edition. That’s basic economics.

Ed Manly cover

For added “what the heck” I also wrote a scathing review of Ed Mastery, personally attacking the author, which Dan Langille generously published on his blog. I stand 100% behind this review, by the way.

Before that? Joke blog posts, aimed at the BSD audience. Basically intended to give a small group of folks a chuckle.

2014: Dan Langille and I coordinated on Oracle buys BSDCon and me responding by starting DetroitBSDCon. For the record, I think DetroitBSDCon would be amazing but, you know, pandemic.

2011: The Great Committer was to honor John Baldwin in the most embarrassing way possible.Apparently some of his cow-orkers started calling him the Great Committer and genuflecting when he approached, so that’s a plus. I still think that the BSD community adopting the pinky-and-forefinger-horns salute would rock.

2003: Dan Langille and I posted on how the UN was forcibly merging the BSD projects under the FretBSD banner. The OpenBSD paragraph still makes me giggle.

Theo de Raadt could not be reached for comment. While Theo’s home has been surrounded, UN peacekeeper troops have yet to storm the building and heavy casualties have been reported in the surrounding countryside. UN spokesmen insist that the siege is going according to plan, however, and Theo is expected to be available for integration in the new combined BSD at some date in late 2023. Of the two hundred eighty-nine casualties suffered by the UN troops at this time, the commanding officer insists that they were caused by a rampaging Canadian moose. Daniel Hartmeier, previously of the OpenBSD Project, insists that OpenBSD has no weapons of moose destruction.

Also: we caught a news reporter. That was fun. Sadly, my more substantial pranks of later years failed to catch… anyone. Apparently I have everyone’s expectations. If I want my next prank book to attract attention, I’ll need to bind it in penguin hide.

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for 1 April 2026: “Networking for System Administrators, The Defenestrated Edition”

Defenestrated? Yep. I threw out the Windows.

Well, blacked them out.

It’s another silly April Fools’ book except, as usual, it’s completely serious. Can’t stand Windows? Don’t want to learn a thing about it? Don’t want it tainting your pristine open source eyeballs? This is for you.

Plain black boxes are boring, so I’ve added a bit of commentary as needed.

This is available only for the next ten days. It will never be in retail channels. If you’re interested, grab it now.

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February’s Febrile Sausage

This See the Sausage Being Made post goes to Patronizers in February and becomes public in March. Not a Patronizer? You could be! $12 a year gets you my latest updates, occasional free tidbits, and the completely pointless MWL Footnote Fortune File, freshly updated for the new edition of Networking for System Administrators.

Yes, I just published a StSbM post last week, but I need to get back on track and I have news.

Most importantly, I’m making some words. The writing in the original ZFS books isn’t bad, but it could be better, so generally applicable ZFS discussion is getting redrafted. The FreeNAS miniXL makes a fine test server, and I’m even discovering FreeBSD bugs through bhyve. (The docs say you can install FreeBSD 15 with 256 MBRAM, but for a ZFS install you need at least 350MB to install from packages on ISO. I’d call this a doc bug rather than an OS bug, because if you’re running ZFS on a host with less than 350MB RAM you’re daft, but reducing pkg(8) memory usage is worthwhile.) I’m fixing some of the inconsistencies and standardizing language for certain concepts and tools, which I really should have done the first time around but nobody noticed so I guess we got away with it and that’s all that matters.

The challenge for this book? Linux. ZFS considers Linux a Tier 1 platform, but Linux does not consider ZFS a Tier 1 filesystem. ZFS works. You can install it. But there’s no standard way to use ZFS as a root filesystem on Linux. Many people maintain constantly evolving hacks to support ZFS on root. Some variants added support to the installer only to remove it. Proxmox uses ZFS as its primary filesystem, but very few people run Proxmox on their laptop. I think the majority of the book must assume that Linux users have their root on extFS and data disks with ZFS. It seems that ZFSBootMenu is the current leading Linux ZFS boot manager, so I’ll probably do a final chapter discussing that. Such chapters are the shortest-lived part of any book. Putting it at the end makes it easy to ignore when it becomes obsolete.

Which brings me to the big reason for posting this now: Eddie Sharam sent me the cover art. Behold, an ancient Mediterranean vase.

This is an actual painting, available for sale once the book is released, probably as part of the Kickstarter. I pay Eddie reasonably for his work, but making a living as a visual artist is even more fraught than making a living as a writer. If he can get a few bucks more, I’m all for it. Central front and back images mean that we’ll have to do some digital manipulation to make the spine work on the hardcover, but Eddie’s down with that. (No, I don’t digitally alter images. That would require visual skills I have no desire to develop.)

Last month’s cleaning efforts highlighted a problem that’s a decade in the making: my surplus copies warehouse.

The printer screwed up on the N4SA2e special editions, shipping me 32 regular hardcovers with the special dust jackets. I couldn’t use those for Patronizers, sponsors, or Kickstarters. They did, however, overwhelm my ability to ignore these shelves and force me to face reality. I need to do something with these.

The good news is, crowdfunding forced me to solve the problems of shipping.

I’m going to add them to the TWP bookstore, signed, at list price.

Parts of it will be clunky, because WooCommerce shipping is arcane and inflexible. I hired expert help to solve this problem. They failed, so I’m not investing more effort therein. All shipping will happen on Mondays, unless I fry my brain and can only perform a mechanical task. But between good shipping envelopes, a label printer, and my newfound skill in tape gun reloading, it’s manageable.

I have a handful of tech books, a whole bunch of Prohibition Orcs, and a scattering of novels. The troublesome one will be the chapbooks. I might do a “random chapbook, $5” add-on item. Short story roulette, anyone?

Patronizers, you get dibs. If there’s something you want, drop me a note.

Somewhere in here, I have to set up the 1 April Kickstarter. Yes, I’m doing another one. I promise it’ll be stupid. You might laugh. A handful of you will leap at it, probably as a gag gift. But it’ll amuse me as I’m scrabbling through the ZFS book.

I’m also looking at the production tools for the tech book after OpenZFS. The first edition of SSH Mastery was originally laid out in LaTeX. The PDF looked great. I sent it to the print-on-demand networks. Some indie printer, somewhere in the world, choked on its lack of Adobe-specific and Microsoft-specific gunk. The book was pulled from distribution globally because one location had trouble. I had to hire someone to redesign it in Adobe InDesign, and quickly. Afterwards, I had to dive into the InDesign gutter myself.

That was sixteen years ago.

Are those printers still running in Farawayistan? Perhaps.

But other people are reporting good results replacing both Adobe and Microsoft Office with LibreOffice in producing complicated books. I’m seriously considering trying it for the next tech book. This has risks. If one printer in Farawayistan can’t print the book, distributors will yank the book from distribution globally. I’ll have to redo the book in InDesign, and perhaps even in Office. Sponsors and Kickstarter backers have changed buying patterns, though. I need to produce books for signing in the US, and books for dropship in the US, UK, and Australia. My printer (today) is Ingram. Ingram maintains its printers in those locations quite well. I expect to print those easily.

Worst case: I release book for wide distribution, some printer can’t handle it. I redo it in LibreOffice/InDesign. If that fails, I convert everything to Office and InDesign and start over. My hardcore readers will get the book on time. The rest of the world waits an extra month for print.

The worrisome thing is opening old InDesign files, but I have a license for the Affinity suite. Not the new subscription model, not the newer freeware trap, an actual “you bought this software and can use it forever” license.

Truly, I’d love to be rid of Adobe. And Microsoft. And Adobe. Adobe.

I better sign off before I choke on my own rage. Thank you all for your support, it means the world to me–especially in these times.

116: A Made Up Excuse

I’m hurriedly throwing together a talk for NYCBUG on 1 April, and so had to disinter the best sentence I have ever written.

All of those books, and my best work isn’t in any of them. For April Fools’ Day 2003, Dan Langille and I wrote an article about how the United Nations were forcibly merging FreeBSD and NetBSD to form FretBSD. The world was different 23 years ago. The US had just attacked Iraq on a made-up excuse and we felt our tiny part of the world needed a laugh.
Why did we not include OpenBSD? We did.

Theo de Raadt could not be reached for comment. While Theo’s home has been surrounded, UN peacekeeper troops have yet to storm the building. UN spokesmen insist that the siege is going according to plan, however, and Theo is expected to be available for integration in the new combined BSD at some date in late 2023. Of the two hundred eighty-nine casualties suffered by the UN troops at this time, the commanding officer insists that they were caused by a rampaging Canadian moose. Daniel Hartmeier, previously of the OpenBSD Project, insists that OpenBSD has no weapons of moose destruction.

My career is obviously downhill from here, but NYCBUG is streaming “What’s Changed Since The Last Time I Came this Way – a talk that was supposed to be about OpenZFS” and will archive it for later.