June’s Juryrigged Sausage

This post went to Patronizers in June and to the public in July. Not a Patronizer? You could be!

I am now settled in a safe and clean apartment. After ten days of work, everything is unpacked and in a place. I’m not happy with all the places, but those can be adjusted and if things have a place the apartment can be kept tidy. My office is functional, including printers and wireless. I’m actually fairly content with how it came out.

I loathe carpeting, but that’s what I could get.

Going from a sprawling house to an apartment is weird. The network demarc is close enough to my office that, instead of trying a dozen different makeshift ways to get Ethernet to my test gear, I might be able to do everything over wireless? The power strips all show these bizarre “grounded” lights, which I have never seen before but am reliably informed do not represent a failure mode.

My first priority is catching up on stuff that’s behind. I had planned to ship Patronizer copies of the Defenestrated N4SA2e, but a problem with my Patronizer system has made me delay a day. I suspect that none of the paused print-level Patronizers chose to pause, but I must verify before turning them on. I’d be inclined to just ship them all books, but someone might have gotten disgusted with me and wish to never hear my name again and I don’t want the postal inspectors to charge me with mail-order stalking.

My second priority is getting back to making words. I’m financially okay for a few months, but people support me when they see progress and there has been no real progress for a few months. I can’t just leap into writing eight hours a day, however. Writing is a muscle that must be warmed up or you crash and burn out. I’m starting by blogging more often. Some of that content will make it into Sausage posts as relevant, but most of it will be randomness to get the writing brain rolling. The impulse to write is once again present, but I know my brain. Brains are the worst. The worst. I can’t afford a self-imposed crash.

Plus: I might be living separately, but the divorce still must work its way through. An estate sale agent is disposing of the material trappings of our old life and then the house will go on the market. This is all intensely emotional, and I just have to roll with it.

I’m making the best of the split, though. My new apartment is less than two miles from my dojo, so I’ve been practicing more. The rats came with me, and they’re settled in okay. Everything is in open storage, which helps me remember what I own. Money is tight so I am living on a cash only basis until I achieve stability.

In other good news/bad news, a couple of publications that I had sold stories to folded. Again. Once again, as previously documented, I have been seen fleeing a burning publisher. The bad news is, the publisher sat on them for two years and I won’t get paid for them. In indifferent news, I am giving up on selling short pieces to publishers. It’s not worth my time. In good news, I can publish these stories myself and score an easy dopamine hit. The pile includes Montague Portal and Rats’ Man’s Lackey, so that’ll make some of you happy. Plus a ghost story, a magic Regency, and a sci-fi Regency. Because I could, because they amused me, and because nobody stopped me.

No, I didn’t warn anyone. They might have stopped me.

That’s kind of the key right now. Not warning people? No–well, okay, yes, also that. But amusing myself. The path to being okay lies through amusement. Besides, if the labor of writing doesn’t amuse me, the result will read like any other tech book. Tedious. Flat. I’m connecting with people and attempting to refill my well of amusement. I’ll be doing a writer’s event in Seattle at the beginning of August, and have tentatively scheduled a public meetup at Sirena Gelato in Kirkland on the evening of July 30th. No, I haven’t scheduled with the gelato shop. That would count as a warning.

Anyway, if you’re around Seattle on 30 July, there’s your chance to meet me.

And now, the Tilted Windmill Press store wants me to update to WordPress version 7.0, complete with generative AI features. Do not try me this month, you abhorrent monster. Do not.

Called Out By A Cookie

In an effort to make the word machine in my skull fire up, I’m trying to blog more. Some of those blog posts will be short and/or daft. Besides, why give my silly thoughts to the big companies and not put them here?

Last night, ZZ Claybourne and I got Chinese and finished watching Alienoid. (Alienoid is a Korean two-part sci-fi kung fu what-the-heck film, reminiscent on Buckaroo Banzai on acid. Both parts are out, so I can recommend it.) Anyway, Chinese food.

We all know fortune cookies. Just like most of our Chinese food, they were invented in the US and play to Western ideas of China.

ZZ and I both picked a cookie from the bag. His was, as is traditional, trite and inoffensive. Mine?

a fortune that reads: You are capable, competent, creative, careful. Prove it.

This is my new favorite fortune. The world needs more fortunes like this.

Also, M is my lucky lottery number? I do believe I’ve been told that if I want to win the lottery, I must resort to methods other than the traditional “buy a ticket and hope.” Fair enough.

Two new short stories in my store

One Montague Portal, one Rats’ Man’s Lackey. Both exclusive to my store until I have enough of each to do a collection.

Yes, the cover art is correct. For Reasons. Having this story be exclusive to my store lets me do silly things like this.

Both Montague Portal and Rats’ Man’s Lackey were meant to be single stories, but the Muse got involved and she’s an absolute jerk. (Don’t go clicking around that site, Oglaf is decided NOT safe for work. Or children. The artist has never declared safety to be a design goal, so I can’t complain.) Anyway, these first person tales limit my ability to give an outsider’s impression of the hero.1 Luggage is viciously competent and quite dangerous, but he’s so matter-of-fact about it that the reader doesn’t see that. With The 1846 I got to show that. I also got to show what would make Luggage immediately say “I’m not doing this” and nope out at full speed, so that was fun.

Anyway. New Montague Portal, new Rats’ Man’s Lackey. Enjoy.

Saucer Separation and Amazon Wishlist

Just because things connect doesn’t mean they work.

The small standing desk supports the two monitors and the CPU. Unplug four cables, and I can move it anywhere in the apartment.

But if I actually start writing on the attached keyboard, the whole thing shakes horribly. The little standing desk isn’t robust enough to support all that equipment.

Having the extra desk space is great, though, and I ache for some mobility. The obvious solution is to build a sturdier standing desk. A smaller set of the wire shelves I use for the main desk and a solid desktop would be far more stable. Unfortunately, my life is chaos right now and my Patronizer system hung up for a couple months exactly when I couldn’t pay attention to it. I am not spending money if I can avoid it.

Folks have asked how they can help me, and I always say “buy my books.” Given my situation, I’ve (ugh) reactivated my Amazon wishlist. There’s not a huge amount on it, but if you feel like giving me a hand I sure won’t say no.

Time Travel Bundle and Interview

If you need some fun reading, I have a book in the Escape From 2026 bundle. Fourteen ebooks, DRM-free, all about time travel, alternate worlds, and generally mucking with history. My book, Tiny Time Wars? It’s exclusive to this bundle. As in, when this bundle goes away, so does this book. It will never be reissued.

I’ve also done an interview about time travel, my take on time travel, and what it’s like to be an orc. Unlike my book, that interview will probably–probably–stay up a while after the bundle ends.

There’s some great authors in this, all hand-selected by Kris Rusch. Writers like DeAnna Knippling, Kathryn Kaleigh, Leslie Claire Walker, Lisa Silverthorne, Annie Reed, Jason A Adams, Kari Kilgore, Ron Collins, Robert Jeschonek, and Dean Wesley Smith.

Plus, part of the proceeds go to supporting World Central Kitchen. We shouldn’t need to live in a world where folks go hungry. The UN knows how to end hunger. Nobody will pay for it. WCK helps deal with the problem until someone with money develops a conscience. (Because seriously? If I was a trillionaire and the UN told me they could fix hunger for six billion dollars, I’d give them twelve and tell them to write me a nice thank-you note. I’d be the most popular person on Earth.)

Anyway. Escape From 2026. Tiny Time Wars will disappear like a ruptured timeline. Act now before it vanishes forever.

Patronage Headaches

I built2 my own Patronage system on WordPress. It’s still using commercial software, but it’s more independent than my Patreon and I have the source code in case of chicanery.

WordPress paused several Patronizer accounts in April. People haven’t been billed, or notified of their benefits. I don’t know why. I only realized when I went to ship Patronizer copies of the Defenestrated Networking for System Administrators.

The annoying thing is, I can’t just reactivate all these backers. People can pause their own memberships. I’ve mailed everyone with a paused membership who patronizes me via TWP, asking them to let me know if they didn’t pause their membership. A few have already responded, confirming that it’s a WordPress strangeness. Strangely, a couple of folks who subscribe on Patreon also had their memberships paused around the same time. Why? No clue.

If you Patronize me, either in my store or on Patreon, please check that your membership is still active.

I’m adding “check and verify paused memberships” to my monthly checklist. And talk about bad timing!

If you chose to pause your sponsorship, that’s completely fine. I appreciate your past support and hope that me being more productive in the future will lure you back.

Saucer Separation

I’m moving to an apartment this week. If you’re waiting for a reply from me, I’ll be back in business next week. But moving is a chance to revisit old setups. A while back, ZZ Claybourne saw my desk and declared it to be “some real Geordi La Forge shit.”

That’s pretty nice, but it got me thinking: what does Geordi have that I don’t?

Forget the advanced tech: that’s just window dressing.

Being far cooler than me? That’s inherent. I can’t help being a total dweeb.

What does he have that I can possibly achieve? The Enterprise-D’s command section is detachable. I’m pretty sure that the TNG premiere only did that because Roddenberry wanted it in the original series and he needed to say “See! We have the budget now!” Also the models, but I digress. Half the saucer separation screen time appeared in the premier, but I digress again. Anyway.

My desk clearly needs the ability to separate the primary and secondary hull. I had all the pieces, including a smaller standing desk that I used for recording and accounting.

probably evidence at my inevitable sanity hearing

It’s not wired up yet, and pieces are missing, but it’s a solid proof of concept.

The smaller desk? That’s where I’ll do writing, on the portrait-mode monitors. I’ll do page layout, spreadsheets, and other landscape-mode tasks at the larger desk.

On nice days when I’d really rather work outside, I can detach one USB cable and two video cables, separate the smaller from the larger, and roll the writing desk out onto the apartment balcony.

So there. Detachable primary hull.

Your move, Geordi.

A personal note

After 34 years together, Liz and I are getting divorced. This is an amicable split, everyone behaved completely honorably, and we remain friends. We are working together to make sure we both have a solid start in the next phase of our lives.

All new projects are delayed. While I appreciate invitations, I will not be attending events until the process is complete.

The next few months will be very stressful for us both. I ask for your patience and understanding.

Thank you.

On April Fools’ Pranks

You can still get the Defenestrated Edition of Networking for System Administrators for a few days, but this post is about April Fools’ gags in general.

I gave a talk on April Fools’ Day 2026 about filesystems as practical jokes wherein I talk about practical jokes, but for easy reference here are my standards.

A practical joke should be:

  • benign violation of expectations
  • everybody honestly laughs
  • require no extra work from the victim
  • never punch down
  • targeted
  • ingenious

Filling someone’s office with styrofoam peanuts? Nope. Requires extra work. Putting an anti-cop bumper sticker on someone’s car? That’ll ruin lives. The more targeted your gag, the funnier you can be. A good prank has some thought, some cleverness, some attention to detail.

For my own reference and perhaps your minor amusement, here are the Internet-relevant pranks I’ve pulled in the past.

2026: Networking for System Administrators: The Defenestrated Edition. Some folks hate Windows. My book Networking for System Administrators covers Windows. I created a special edition that had all the Windows material blacked out and made it available for ten days as a Kickstarter exclusive.

2025: The movie Laserblast is actively terrible. I wrote a cover version, using many of the story beats but carefully avoiding copyright issues. See the first chapter.

Lance needs to be a hero in the worst way. The worst way waits with open arms.

Lance wants to be a hero in the worst way. The worst way waits with open arms.

2021: I know that people read my tech books for the footnotes, so I released a collectible hardcover collection of them.

Smart books have footnotes. Smarter books are only footnotes.

Only Footnotes

2020: The Networknomicon.

Abdul Alhazred’s infamously rumored Networknomicon, or SNMP Mastery, has long been blamed for the Spanish Inquisition, the Second World War, and Cleveland. While nuclear “testing” was thought to have eradicated all copies of the manuscript, an astute student with a baggy shirt and considerable mob debts recently liberated one tattered survivor from the Miskatonic University Library of Computer Science.

The Networknomicon, or SNMP Mastery

2018: I took sponsorships on a book, but refused to say what the book was. 1 April, I released Ed Mastery. The Standard Text Editor. “ed Mastery.” It has a blurb from Ken Thompson himself.

Let me be perfectly clear: ed(1) is the standard Unix text editor. If you don’t know ed, you’re not a sysadmin. You’re a mere dabbler. A dilettante. Deficient.

Ed Mastery cover

Ed Mastery also comes in the Manly McManface edition, because some men can’t handle feminine pronouns in their tech books. Part of each sale goes to the Soroptimists, because screw you, that’s why.

Any third-person singular pronouns that appear in the standard edition, for normal people, are female. Those who believe that women don’t belong in tech books may purchase this special “Manly McManface” edition, where all third-party singular pronouns are masculine.

To compensate for this edition’s much smaller market, though, the Manly edition is unfortunately pricier than the standard edition. That’s basic economics.

Ed Manly cover

For added “what the heck” I also wrote a scathing review of Ed Mastery, personally attacking the author, which Dan Langille generously published on his blog. I stand 100% behind this review, by the way.

Before that? Joke blog posts, aimed at the BSD audience. Basically intended to give a small group of folks a chuckle.

2014: Dan Langille and I coordinated on Oracle buys BSDCon and me responding by starting DetroitBSDCon. For the record, I think DetroitBSDCon would be amazing but, you know, pandemic.

2011: The Great Committer was to honor John Baldwin in the most embarrassing way possible.Apparently some of his cow-orkers started calling him the Great Committer and genuflecting when he approached, so that’s a plus. I still think that the BSD community adopting the pinky-and-forefinger-horns salute would rock.

2003: Dan Langille and I posted on how the UN was forcibly merging the BSD projects under the FretBSD banner. The OpenBSD paragraph still makes me giggle.

Theo de Raadt could not be reached for comment. While Theo’s home has been surrounded, UN peacekeeper troops have yet to storm the building and heavy casualties have been reported in the surrounding countryside. UN spokesmen insist that the siege is going according to plan, however, and Theo is expected to be available for integration in the new combined BSD at some date in late 2023. Of the two hundred eighty-nine casualties suffered by the UN troops at this time, the commanding officer insists that they were caused by a rampaging Canadian moose. Daniel Hartmeier, previously of the OpenBSD Project, insists that OpenBSD has no weapons of moose destruction.

Also: we caught a news reporter. That was fun. Sadly, my more substantial pranks of later years failed to catch… anyone. Apparently I have everyone’s expectations. If I want my next prank book to attract attention, I’ll need to bind it in penguin hide.

for 1 April 2026: “Networking for System Administrators, The Defenestrated Edition”

Defenestrated? Yep. I threw out the Windows.

Well, blacked them out.

It’s another silly April Fools’ book except, as usual, it’s completely serious. Can’t stand Windows? Don’t want to learn a thing about it? Don’t want it tainting your pristine open source eyeballs? This is for you.

Plain black boxes are boring, so I’ve added a bit of commentary as needed.

This is available only for the next ten days. It will never be in retail channels. If you’re interested, grab it now.