Two new Christmas stories in my shop

Life prevented me from releasing the Twisted Presents collection this summer, but here’s a couple stories from it. Both were previously published, but not by me and not in places my average readers commonly read. They went for free to all of my Patronizers, but each can be yours for a paltry $1.99.

First up is a Beaks tale, Sister Silence Night.

“Ten thousand dollars an hour, take it or leave it.”

Master criminal Beaks doesn’t charge extra for Christmas. She loathes Christmas. But for a friend, she’ll skip the fee and call it a favor.

Especially when the job’s at a shelter for runaway queer kids in Texas, under attack by an invisible hacker who’s ruined lives and driven the innocent to suicide. A hacker who’s abandoned cyberspace and getting physical. Beaks doesn’t care what kind of Grinch wants to ruin Christmas for these kids. All she cares about is making it stop.

Whatever it takes.

Then there’s the hard-boiled noirish The Last Multivariable Differential Christmas.

Why couldn’t my rep include “knows where to bury the bodies?”

That rep brings people to him. His awful talent means that sometimes, when nobody else can help, he can.

Firestone University, home of the toughest math program in the United States. Honestly it’s the most dickish, but that looks bad on brochures. After nine years an undergrad, with the final exam next week and the faculty gunning for him, it’s his last chance at passing multivariable differential equations. He must study. Those bastards will not beat him.

But another student brings him not just cheaters, but the kind of cheating that kills people.

There’s no reward for doing the right thing. Getting involved might throw away the struggle of the last nine years.

But some things are too wrong to live with.

And the right solution is as obvious as integral-of-one-over-log-cabin-equals-houseboat.

Perhaps I couldn’t put out the Christmas collection this year, but my shop has a burgeoning collection of Christmas stuff.

November’s Noyous Sausage

This post goes to Patronizers in November and becomes public in December. Not a Patronizer? You could be! $12 a year gets you my latest updates, occasional free tidbits, and the completely pointless MWL Footnote Fortune File, freshly updated for the new edition of Networking for System Administrators.

Last month got home from EuroBSDCon and made it a point to post the monthly column my first day back. #ebc25 was great. Meticulously run. Fantastic program. Great food. The local staff kicked butt. I brought home a tie that I shall treasure but hopefully never need, stoopwaffel, joyful memories, and covid.

About an hour after I posted last month’s StSbM, the fever hit.

There’s nothing quite like publishing a book while hallucinating. So I didn’t. It delayed N4SA2e by a couple weeks, but that’s better than releasing delerium-infused work (shut up shut up shut up). It took me down for a couple weeks, but the book is now finished and at the printer. Let me check… yep, they now show up as “printing.” Should be here in a couple weeks. I have fresh envelopes and printable labels ready and a good pen to sign them all. The sponsor mailing addresses have been validated and a giant postage spreadsheet assembled.

Once the books ship, I will tell the Kickstarter folks that they have two days to finalize their addresses.

I’m still not completely recovered. My attempts to make words on OpenZFS Mastery prove that.

The ugly truth is, every time I attend an event that doesn’t have a mask policy, I get sick. I wear a mask throughout. Masks work, but crowded closed-in rooms overwhelm their protections. Everyone needs to contribute to protecting the community.

I will no longer attend any conference that doesn’t require masks. Yes, both Penguicon and BSDCan have dropped their mask policies. I won’t be at either. Cons are fun and educational, and I enjoy meeting colleagues and readers, but I’m old enough that I must prioritize my health. Can’t write books if covid fries my brain, and while I’ve reached my final form, said form is utterly unemployable.

But we do have a manuscript for OpenZFS Mastery! Well, pieces of it. It’s basically the first edition FreeBSD ZFS books slammed together, along with copious notes from Allan and myself on what needs to be changed. It’s essentially a skeleton that we need to add flesh to. Covering Debian as well as FreeBSD means restructuring most of the book. Here’s one page of the introduction, with the changes in red.

That photo’s a few weeks old, before Allan took a look. More has changed since then.

The one thing that remains unchanged from those old books and the new? My test host. Almost twelve years ago, I bought a ten-drive amd64 server. One of the power supplies has blown, but the rest works just fine. 32GB of RAM and eight cores is more than sufficient, and I can have mirrored boot drives while striping two RAIDZ2 arrays.

One of NYCBug’s fine folks shipped me a “high-end” custom-built, undocumented dual storage array that I haven’t had time to set up yet. My career has many gaps, but one of them is custom storage. I’ve used external storage arrays, sure, but I ordered them as complete kits. They included all the cables. This thing doesn’t. If I still had a day job, I’d go to the boss and tell them that the kit is incomplete and here’s my best guess for the cables and if they’re wrong, too bad, I didn’t choose this stuff. I’d happily let the boss spend a few grand on cables to try. But this will let me write a better book, so I gotta figure it out.

The smart thing to do is write a blog post with descriptions and photos, and ask my social media followers for advice. One of them must be a storage guru, or at least familiar with the ARC1330-8X/8I/8X8I/4x4I and Adaptec AEC-82885T in these things.

But the important thing right now is making words. And the ten-drive host is good enough for that. I’ve been working with bhyve and getting test hosts running.

It’s my first time playing with bhyve. It’s powerful, but like BSD has less of a “learning curve” and more of a “learning curb.” I’ve been watching it for a while, though. Back around 2018 (or some year like that), I asked Michael Dexter if it was time to write a bhyve book. He told me that things were churning rapidly and I should probably wait. EuroBSDCon included a one-day bhyve con, chaired by Dexter. I went. During the pre-lunch lightning talks, he requested that I come up to the front and then asked me why “we” didn’t have a bhyve book yet and what it would take to get one. I gave him a quite meaningful glare. “Well, last time I asked someone said…”

Anyway. Bhyve is cool. It’s stable enough that Kirk McKusick uses it for filesystem development. I’m using vm-bhyve as a front end, because raw bhyve requires long command lines and I’m lazy. Will there be a bhyve book? Ask the winds of karma because I got no clue. I know that after OpenZFS Mastery my next tech book will be on DNS. I don’t want to write a DNS book. The world needs an approachable DNS book the way it needed the mail book, though. Otherwise the oligarchy wins without a shot fired, and I’m an absolute sucker for horrific heroic last stands.

I can say that I’m taking the notes I would need to write a bhyve book, though. Why would I even consider writing a bhyve book when I haven’t used bhyve?

Because that’s the correct way to write a book about any technical topic.

Writing a tech book (or, indeed, any book) is not about documenting facts. Man pages and source code have all the facts, and when someone declares “it’s in the man page” folks rightfully flip out. Facts are not knowledge. Books are not about the facts; they are about the connections between facts. I watch my brain while I’m learning. The moments of enlightenment, when I realize how pieces fit together? That’s treasure. It goes into the notes. Those moments become the backbone of the book.

It’s also true for fiction. Laserblasted was written as a joke, and I’m told it came out funny, but look at this daft lump of the first chapter.

The Greys invented police long before humans did. One of the things they police is access to humans. It’s not that they care about us. Humanity hasn’t evolved enough to join the galactic market and hasn’t invented antigrav so the Galactic Species Index classifies us as livestock. If someone figures out how to profitably strip-mine us before we get our act together, we’re done. While the Orion’s Sword civilizations consider human pineal glands a potent aphrodisiac, we’ve put so many toxic chemicals into our environment that the Swordian Morality League has taken to saying, “take gland for your last stand.” The Greys put humanity on the Protected Species list, which isn’t so much for our benefit as giving them another excuse to put the boot in. The Swordian Society for Responsible Human Ranching will get that law changed one day and swoop in to save us from ourselves, for them.

Pick any one of these very stupid sentences. I can draw a line from it to the characters, the story, and the resolution thereof. (I still can’t believe that daft thing funded. At least it’s a complete commercial failure in the retail market, showing there might be hope for civilization and good taste.) Even stupidity is pointless unless it’s tied up in an ordered bundle of stupidity.

Anyway: everything is about connections. Not facts, not feelings. Connections. Like the connection y’all offer by Patronizing me. Thank you all.

TWP books not in Apple Books in the EU

Tilted Windmill Press books are not available in Apple’s bookstore in Europe. Sorry, folks.

Under the EU’s Digital Services Act, I am a trader. Compliance with the DSA means that Apple Books requires trader display their name, address, and phone number on the product page. I have a PO box, but I am not willing to have my phone number on the Apple Books store. Yes, you can find my phone number. It’s not rocket surgery. But that’s different than putting it on a third-party bookstore page for everyone to see.

Could I set up a burner or a Google Phone dropbox? Sure. But consider that my total income from Apple Books is so minuscule that I didn’t even put it on last year’s graph. How much work am I willing to do for $200 a year? Very little.

I have updated each book’s page to state that the books aren’t available on Apple in the EU.

Should I start doing enough business in the EU that I need to change this decision, I will. Prediction is foolish, but I’d guess that happens when I need IOSS.

First foreign fiction translation

Many decades ago when I was but a bitter lad hanging around the library, a twisted geezer with mismatched eyes and one tattered tooth tottered up to me and hissed Your first fiction translation will be dick jokes. The jackbooted librarian-goons immediately hurtled him into the street. At the time I thought it was because he was being creepy, but it turns out that they were preserving the integrity of the timeline.

My Prohibition Orcs story “Woolen Torment” has been translated into German for the anthology Trolle.

Yeah, I know. Trolls, orcs, whatever. Different cultures have different brutes.

At this rate, my next translation will appear about 2065. You better grab this one.

“Networking for System Administrators, 2nd ed” is out, except on Amazon’s Kindle store

The headline says most of it, but:

The new edition of Networking for System Administrators is out. Most stores should have it now. Apple is being a pain, but that’s pretty usual. I’ll fill in missing stores over the next few days, as the databases finish churning.

You might notice that it’s not in Amazon’s Kindle store. Why is that?

Oh, wait. Let me put that in SEO format.

Why is Networking for System Administrators not in Amazon’s Kindle Store?

There. That’ll do. The short answer is for the same reasons that Run Your Own Mail Server and OpenBSD Mastery: Filesystems aren’t, but on the off chance a search engine actually brings someone here, I’ll spell it out.

You can get Kindle-friendly versions of N4SA2e from my store or Gumroad. You can get a Kindle-friendly ebook from any number of other retailers, but while they’re all supposed to be DRM-free I can’t advise on prying the file out of another vendor’s ecosystem. The one place you cannot buy it for Kindle is Amazon’s Kindle bookstore.

TLDR: Amazon pays roughly 70% of retail price for books priced up to $9.99, and 35% for books $10 and over. Amazon is the only retailer that does this. Other retailers, I make somewhere around 65%-70% no matter the retail price. Everything follows from that math, but if you want the details read on.

According to economists, prices have gone up about 40% since I started releasing the Mastery books. According to my wallet, not so much. In 2012 my wife and I could get an inexpensive lunch for $10. Today, no. But let’s go with the official numbers. Just as “dime novels” now cost $10, I must raise prices. While book pricing is hotly debated, $12.99 is a reasonable price for a short tech book like Networking for System Administrators. (If I followed inflation I would charge $13.99, but I’m an idiot.)

If I charge $9.99 for this ebook, I make about $7.

If I charge $12.99 for the ebook, I make about $9 everywhere but Amazon. At Amazon, I make $4.50. For me to make that $9 at Amazon, I must charge about $26. I’m fond of the book, but it ain’t worth that! And if I did, giving Amazon a $17 slice of every sale for no reason sticks in my craw.

Charge $26 at Amazon and $11.99 elsewhere? Amazon’s program has a Most Favored Nation clause. They can price match any other major vendor.

Will Amazon change their business because of this? No. Authors are plentiful and of low value. I am not worth Amazon’s time.

Amazon’s business model is based on squeezing prices down, and they play a long game. I expect them to ever raise that $9.99 limit. A novel might sell tens or hundreds of thousands of copies. If I’m lucky, a book like Networking for System Administrators might sell eight thousand over the next ten years. The few extra bucks I’ll make by raising prices are important. That’s also why I’ve focused so hard on disintermediation through my Patronizers, sponsorships, and Kickstarter.

I have expected this for years. I do not expect to publish future Mastery books on Amazon’s Kindle store, unless by some chance I write another very short one.

Beastly Virtues

On Christmas, my new book Beastly Virtues disappears forever. No, you can’t get it in my bookstore.

Beastly Virtues is exclusive to the 14-book Wee Beasties Storybundle. When the bundle runs out, this book runs out. The only way you’ll get this collection of critter tales is to back the Storybundle and get all 14 books.

I’ve read and enjoyed books by every author in this bundle, and even some of these specific books. Part of the proceeds benefit World Central Kitchen, a deeply worthy cause in this mayhem-laced age.

So, what is Beastly Virtues and why might you want it?

INHUMAN HEROISM

This collection from critically-acclaimed author Michael Warren Lucas proves that bravery comes in every shape, and not all of it is two-fisted or even two-legged. Maybe it’s orcs learning baseball, or a young boy absorbing wisdom from interdimensional bats. If the only animal in the entire universe looks like a harmless chipmunk, you better ask yourself why, and when a dog’s ghost starts reciting 19th-century French surrealist poetry, you’ll need a whole new kind of bravery.

No matter your wings, paws, or whiskers, you need courage.

But whatever you do, don’t piss off the rats.

It includes The Rats’ Man’s Lackey and the Half Gallon of Christmas Miracle, Pax Canina, Sticky Supersaturation, Face Less, Whisker Line, and Fair Balls.

Yes, you’ll get my orcs playing baseball. A careful look at the Storybundle will show that you’ll also get elves playing baseball. There’s no way this can go wrong…

“OpenZFS Mastery” sponsorships now open

I’ve shipped all the Networking for System Administrators, 2nd ed sponsor gifts. I’m getting copies for the Kickstarter backers out the door.

By popular demand, I’m opening sponsorships on OpenZFS Mastery, by myself and Allan Jude.

Epub sponsors get their names in the epub/mobi versions of the book. They will receive a free copy of the completed ebook in epub and a PDF of the print version, all DRM-free, once we finish writing it.

Print sponsors get their names in the ebook and print version of the book, the DRM-free ebook, and a physical gift that might or might not be the book. The gift will be personalized. Please provide a shipping address and a phone number that can receive SMS! My shippers are asking for phone numbers even in the US, so I’m asking you.

Once the book exists there will also be a Kickstarter, but that will act more as a pre-order. Sponsors support me as I write and test the manuscript. The print sponsorship (or Patronizing) will also be the only way to get a personalized gift mailed to you.

Here’s the book description.

OpenZFS Mastery


by Michael W Lucas and Allan Jude

Data Storage for the 21st Century

ZFS, the fast, flexible, self-healing filesystem, revolutionized data storage. Leveraging ZFS changes everything about managing Unix-like systems.

“Thanks for making ZFS knowable by everyone” — Matt Ahrens, ZFS co-creator

“Thanks for doing this… now I don’t have to” — Jeff Bonwick, ZFS co-creator

With OpenZFS Mastery you’ll learn to:

  • select hardware for ZFS systems
  • arrange your storage for optimal performance
  • configure datasets that match your enterprise’s needs
  • repair and monitor storage pools
  • expand your storage
  • use compression to enhance performance
  • determine if deduplication is right for your data
  • understand how copy-on-write changes everything
  • snapshot filesystem
  • automatically rotate snapshots
  • clone filesystems
  • optimize how ZFS uses and manages space
  • Use boot environments to make the riskiest sysadmin tasks safe
  • Delegate filesystem privileges to users
  • Delegate ZFS datasets to containers
  • Quickly and efficiently replicate data between machines
  • split layers off of mirrors
  • optimize ZFS block storage
  • handle large storage arrays
  • select caching strategies to improve performance
  • manage next-generation storage hardware
  • identify and remove bottlenecks
  • build screaming fast database storage
  • dive deep into pools, metaslabs, and more!

Whether you manage a single small server or multinational data centers, OpenZFS Mastery will simplify your life.

What’s Changed?

This might be considered a second edition of FreeBSD Mastery: ZFS and FM: Advanced ZFS, so: what’s different.

The old stuff still works, but OpenZFS has grown many features in the last ten years. The OpenZFS project now considers Linux a tier-one platform. RaidZ arrays can be expanded. ZFS rewrite. Rebalancing arrays. Native encryption. Compressed ARC. Deduplication is less useless. Even compression has changed. Gobs of stuff.

This edition will be published as a single volume.

Why Sponsor?

It’s a terrible deal, but people find reasons.

I’m hoping to get this book done in just a few months. Sponsor while you can.

“Networking for System Administrators, 2nd ed” is arriving

The printer notified me that they’ve shipped the Patronizer and signable Kickstarter copies of Networking for System Administrators, 2nd ed to me. UPS hasn’t received them yet, but tracking numbers exist. I’ve added it to my web site, the front page gallery, and–of course–the SNMP MIB.

I’ve put the ebook, paperback, and hardcover up in my store. If you order print in the next few weeks, it should arrive before the December Solstice Holiday Of Your Choice.

It releases to retail channels 1 December 2025. While Kindle versions will be available from many retailers, it won’t be in Amazon’s Kindle store for the same reasons as my last couple of tech books (RYOMS and OMF). So you might as well buy it from me.

If you are getting a print book from me as either as a Patronizer or sponsor: be dang sure I have your address and SMS-capable phone number. Email me with any corrections or updates.

If you backed the Kickstarter for print: 17 of you still owe me current shipping addresses and SMS-capable phone number. Please fill out your survey.

I will spend Wednesday prepping shipping labels so that I can slam the books out assembly-line style. After that, I’ll check for stragglers and ship every couple of weeks.

Thanks to all of you for your support! I’m looking forward to getting this book into your hands.

October’s Osmundaceous Sausage

This post goes to Patronizers in October and becomes public in November. Not a Patronizer? You could be! $12 a year gets you my latest updates, occasional free tidbits, and the completely pointless MWL Footnote Fortune File, which will soon be updated for the new edition of Networking for System Administrators.

Speaking of which, the N4SA2e Kickstarter is rolling along just fine. No, it’s nowhere near the insane RYOMS Kickstarter, but it’s doing nicely. Comparison is the thief of joy, and of paying the mortgage.

I have a deep enough backlist that I can give books away as stretch goals. There’s a delicate balance between “dump everything on backers to make it a better deal” and “flood backers with stuff.” I want this to be a good enough deal while leaving space for people to go to my store and buy more, or buy print versions, or… or… just give me money, okay? Perhaps if I had paid more attention during EuroBSDCon I would have changed some of the stretch goal levels, but I staggered around all week in a state of near-hallucinatory jet lag.

Don’t get me wrong, EuroBSDCon was well-run and had great speakers. The worst problem I knew of was a bad HDMI cable, which means the con went great. Croatia is lovely. It is also the birthplace of the cravat, so each speaker got a tie. The silly thing is, two days before leaving for Croatia we cleaned out our cedar closet and I not only discarded all my ties, I established a life goal of never needing a tie again. I’m closing on 60, so this seems perfectly achievable.

I’m keeping this tie, though. Because it’s meaningful.

My last meeting at the con ended at 10:30PM Sunday. I had to leave for the airport at 3:30AM. Flying on ninety minutes sleep? That’s a whole REM cycle, I’m fine! Except the flight from Zagreb to Amsterdam was delayed by fog, so I missed my connection to Detroit. The airline automatically rebooked me on the next flight out, which would be fine except for the seat assignment in the middle of the back row. The last time I sat in that seat for an hour, my innards went into reverse and I had to be helped off the plane. Can’t imagine what nine hours of that would do. I had to find an airline agent and beg for help, despite being semiconscious. They rebooked me in the economy-plus “torture me less” class I originally paid for. I thanked her profusely and went to buy stroopwaffles before hallucinating my way to the gate.

Yes, airport stroopwaffle is sad. I submit to you, however, that Dutch airport stroopwaffle is inherently better than any commercially available American stroopwaffle.

Get on the plane. Aisle seat along the side. Two seats, side-by-side. There was a 20ish girl sitting in the window seat, dressed all in black and with a nose piercing. I feel kind of glad that the next generation is keeping up the Old Ways, but just say “hi” and settle into my seat.

Across the aisle, an older lady settles in place and looks around. Right before takeoff she leans across the aisle and says, “You know, I think it’s really nice that people like you take family vacations.”

I have had 90 minutes of sleep in the last 36 hours so I just say “Uh, thanks?”

It doesn’t hit me until we’re in the air that I’m wearing black pants, a dark shirt, and a black FLA hoodie. That lady thought that the girl sitting next to me was my child.

So, yeah. If you ever feel the urge to say people like you, you should probably just not.

Besides, the girl was clearly emo goth. I firmly believe that “if it’s not on the Industrial Records label it’s not industrial, it’s just sparkling noise.” You might argue I’m a primordial rivethead from before the fashion industry swiped the word. Anyway, totally different and I have no idea how she thought we were together.

Made it home. Stayed up until 9PM. Went to be. Slept like the dead for eight hours and woke up feeling like a lich.

Which is another reason I rarely travel overseas. It’s now my second day back. I feel like I spent nine hours being beaten with an Airbus. I want to keep these posts G-rated, or maybe PG, so we’re not going to discuss my sinuses.

Add to that: the copyedits for N4SA2e arrived yesterday. I want to get this book ready and a print proof ordered so I can fulfill the Kickstarter ASAP. I can’t open sponsorships on the OpenZFS book until that’s done–okay, technically I could but, you know, ethics. The way the meatsuit feels, I probably won’t feel halfway decent until next week. I spent a few days before EuroBSDCon preparing for the trip. One week in Europe costs three weeks of writing time. I imagine the cost for going to Asia would be similar.

The work I had done on the OpenZFS book has fallen out of my brain. Fortunately I was still in Chapter 0 so it won’t be that hard to load back into working memory.

This is all a long-winded way to say, there are reasons I don’t do EuroBSDCon or AsiaBSDCon every year. I’m always glad to meet readers, up until social exhaustion kicks in and I’m not happy to meet anyone. I left home for exactly that.

But if I routinely attended AsiaBSDCon and EuroBSDCon every year, that’s close to two months writing time lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time in Croatia! The people were grand, the food was delightful, the BSD crowd charming. But travel grows more difficult every year. I’d like to say something about the work I accomplished this month, but instead it’s a confessional that I haven’t done much actual work.

Despite aches and congestion, actual work begins this week. It’ll be slow, but it needs doing.

I’m going to close with a photo from Croatia: yours truly, at Zagreb’s Nikola Tesla statue.

No idea how someone could think I’m emo. Not with those purple-glitter-Crocs.